I do miss her, every day we are apart. But as us romantics like to say, we are never really apart – bonded forever as we are. So, I gathered by last strength of the day, and walked back outside – into the hot, humid air just waiting to really bother me – and did the following:

• Filled an old trash can with trimmed branches, vines and other yard waste and set it out front for pickup tomorrow
• Brought around two other bags full of yard waste for pickup
  
• Transferred eight corn plants from the starter box to two outside planting boxes
  

Once that was done and I was back inside, I made a ‘Yard Waste’ sign for the big trash can and popped out again to affix it so the pickup crew will take its contents(as if it was not obvious).

Finally back inside for the night, I:

• Showered
  
• Made supper, which was buckwheat with feta cheese and a tomato (milk then apple juice to drink)
  
• Relaxed and watched a bit of a movie while eating
  
• Wrote this post to the blog
  

See, working on the yard and eating foods cooked Eastern European style as my sweet wife has taught me was on purpose! The outside work, especially growing food is a reminder of my gardening with my father while growing up, and currently of the dacha where my in-laws grow a lot of their food. The boiling of whole buckwheat seeds and eating that with fresh yummy feta cheese and a tomato is exactly how my wife likes it.

I enjoy doing these things, both for their direct value (aesthetics of our yard, and the pleasing of my stomach), and their value as reminders of my wonderful life, with my wife. (Yes that rhymed, I noticed also.)

Today’s SURVIVAL TIP: Do things while apart that you have done or will do together. Let it remind you of all the good times you have had, and will have again.

Love to all, especially my Princess.

dewa mata
:-*

Welcome to the home stretch, as it were. Yes, I should be more excited that – if all continues to go smoothly – my wife and I will be permanently reunited in a few short months.

But there are still a few ‘complications’ to deal with before the glorious day arrives. Let us see:

A – Need to clean up the inside of the house. This is needed to not only look like a home versus pig-sty bachelor pad, but also to make room for the additional volume of clothing and books my wife will be bringing over the ‘big pond’. To me, the more important is the books rather than the clothes, since I prefer my Princess ‘au naturale’ as often as possible. (Yes dear, this is one of my rare exceptions and I have, in fact, just used a French term.

B – Need to fix the outside of the house. Two main issues, not insurmountable by any means – the shingles need replacing, and the yard needs more grass, less weeds and more flowers and vegetables. Okay, the second one is really a series, but you get the idea. It is hard to get started on that two, because it has been raining so often that things do not dry out enough to allow much yard work anyway.

C – Need to really start looking for a job for Princess. She wants to start right away of course, and if we can get a few interviews over with before she arrives (via Skype or something), or at least schedule them, then we will be in good shape.

D – Need to add more shelving inside the home for our ever-expanding library of books, dictionaries and magazines – in various languages!

E – Need to start to accept the idea of having a child soon. Panic! We both agree that ‘practicing’ making babies is lots of fun and good exercise, but an actual pregnancy followed by 18 years of TLC is still in our minds as more work and trouble than joy and happiness. I am sure, however, that this opinion will change once we get past the first year or so of raising our initial offspring. I know my wife will be an awesome mother. (Yes, she has told me I will be a great father also.)

F – Need to get more sleep too. I keep staying up late doing various things that should either be done earlier, on the weekend, or not at all. Like this! (should have been done earlier)

Love life, love my wife, and love my whole family – since 2009 on both sides of ‘The Big Pond’.

dewa mata.
:-*

Whether you are a new couple, young couple, long-term married couple, couple with grandkids, or just close friends… do you hold hands?

I bet representatives of all those types of couples, and many more I have not listed, all hold hands – at least at the beginning. How many still do when they are 80 years old and out for a walk?

I read recently that the reason couples hold hands is to show everyone else that they are ‘taken’ and unavailable to anyone thinking of coming between them. I personally do not agree to this and think that is the most shallow reason to be holding hands!

I hold my sweetheart’s hand whenever possible, inside and out, every day I can.

Why? Because I want to be close to her. I think you would agree that touching your loved ones is as close as you can get, physically. The emotional bond is another story, but even that is enhanced by touching.

I want to feel the soft skin of my Princess. I want to feel it every day. I need it. I need her. She is a part of me now and forever and I am so in love that I need to reinforce and build upon our bond, as often as possible, by tactile means at a minimum.

I want her to feel my warmth in many ways daily: my arms wrapping around in a hug; my lips on hers as we kiss; my hands on her back and feet for massage… and most importantly, my hand in hers every time we walk together. Every time, no matter how short the walk or what age we are.

Hand-holding is not for anyone else to see or care about. This is just for us. We are a couple, bonded, lovers and soul mates forever. Nothing keeps us apart, ever. Not even governments with their silly rules.

The next time you see a couple on the street walking together, maybe even it will be you and your love, think of the holding of hands as a personal and loving choice just to be touching each other. It is not a sign for others to stay away.

Dewa mata.
:-*

P.S.: Another item I read a while back said that some study was conducted that said women need to be physically touched at least 11 times a day to maintain a positive outlook, feel good about themselves, feel cared for and protected, etc. I can see some of you less romantic guys picking a random finger and using it to poke your girl 11 times and calling it good. I trust that most readers of this, of both sexes, think more deeply than that and come up with many better ways of contact. I need just as many touches myself, and I am not afraid to say so.

THE ELEMENTS:

EARTH – From the bosom of Gaia we come,
WATER – Enabler of life; quencher of thirst,
WIND – Messenger of weather; spreader of seed,
FIRE – Nature’s renewer; cooker of food,
PRINCESS – The fifth element; sacred storehouse of LOVE.

(for my sweetheart, 11 Jan. 2011.)

Thank you for this day with you, and for being my fifth element, Princess.

dewa mata

“Ooh, kinky!” You might say. “Not performing then?” You could reply. Wrong on both counts.

My clever title may have you thinking the wrong thing, but at least you are thinking right? Sex sells. Proven once again. But the title does indeed relate to today’s post. Read on…

What do you do when you finally are in bed and ready – for sleep? Do you just fall asleep? Do you lay in one position, then another, and yet another – fighting all night for rest and then slogging through the following waking hours?

In our case, we talk. And talk. And talk. About the day’s events. About the stars in the sky. About our plans (for children, a new house, the next week). About everything.

We will kiss each other, embrace each other, smile at each other, massage each other (love this one!), all the while talking about anything and everything. Why do we not just follow nature and close our tired eyes? Because we love each other so much.

This may be very different and hard for you to accept. In fact, you may call it silly or at least irrational. My Princess and I love each other and value our time together to such a degree that we literally dislike (hate is a strong word) falling asleep when there is so much left (it shall always be) to discuss, explain, politely argue (particularly about linguistic matters) and share.

It is as if we expect we will forget to bring it up the next day (not that uncommon a view) or we believe it is so important it cannot wait, or even we may not wake up the next day at all, and so it must be voiced now. The last thought about not waking up is a valid one. Yes, the chances are very low that one or both of us kick-the-bucket overnight, but not zero.

So, invariably we start with a couple innocent comments and a full-blown conversation erupts. Major issues, minor details and even irrelevant banter follow and serve the dual purposes of information sharing and keeping the sandman at bay. This can go on for over an hour at times.

Eeven after a conversation has reached a logical end, I will bring up a topic just to stall before falling asleep. I will comment on the fact that it is so hard to get to sleep embracing each other because one arm is always getting pinched or must be left in a semi-uncomfortable position, leading to – you guessed it, no sleep!

Expecting you to say, I am, that we are a new couple and this effect will wear off soon enough. Well, at the three-year mark of knowing each other and having more than a year straight within this time frame of living together, I can truthfully say it has not worn off. I expect it never will.

If my wife and I were sleeping in the same bed tonight – as we would prefer- we would converse a while as usual.

And I like it that way.

Dewa mata.
:-*

P.S.: Thank you for this day, Princess. I thought about you and us, often.

What about your children? Same for them?

Not for me and my wife. No children for us yet. More importantly now, is the snug in our bed part. This holiday season it will be more like, “sleeping in different beds, and not so snug.”

The best part about being so deeply in love, even when enduring government-forced separation – as we are – is that we feel each other’s love at all times. It warms my heart to know that as I type this my darling wife is asleep and safe, probably dreaming of us together. It puts a smile on my face to know that she is always with me, and the same for her.

Now though, at the time of year when all of society emphasizes family and togetherness, I have a hard time. You can guess why. Yes what I said in the last paragraph still holds true, but – like many of us – I want more. I want to not only emotionally and figuratively feel my wife, I want to literally feel her. The simple pleasure of a hug, the romance of a kiss, the comfort and warmth her sleeping peacefully next to me – these are thrust into the foreground of my thoughts, this time of year especially.

So, if you find yourself with your soul mate, your dearly beloved, drifting gently off to sleep together, remember this: you are privileged to be in that situation. Recognize this and do not forget those who are not so happily ensconced. Make sure to resolve all conflicts each day before sleeping. Be extra sure to thank your sweetheart for another wonderful day with him/her in your life.

SURVIVAL TIP: Be happy with what you have, especially if you have a spouse or sweetheart who loves you dearly. Treat them as an integral part of yourself, only more precious.

ADDITIONAL TIP: Take time to remember those less fortunate than you, and you will be the better for it.

Remember those who must be separated from their loved ones during the holidays, including my wife and I. Also remember those of the military who serve all over the world and must be away from their families in the course of their duties. Their service supports the ultimate goal of world peace and harmony. I thank them for their sacrifice in the here-and-now, so that the future may be brighter for all.

Happy Holidays to all, especially my darling wife. It is you, Princess, that I pine for and with whom I dream also.

dewa mata

Sweetheart:
I am sorry you felt as you did and believed you caused me and then actually caused yourself emotional pain and heartache today. My luck that you picked this subject for your rare post.

For the rest of you:
I thought I was doing the right thing by leaving a situation before I worsened it. This backfired. I failed to communicate fully that I felt bad for different reasons that I KNEW (yes, I knew) she would interpret incorrectly. Part of the reason things backfired. Yes, we have resolved this by the time I am writing this. This, like my last error, was something small that became larger than it should have.

Setting the record straight:
I was not upset at her reminding me of those items about myself she had tried to change. I was simply mildly upset because I knew I was still tired from a two-week trip I had just returned from, and was not feeling that talkative this morning. It bugged me that I was not ‘bright eyed and bushy tailed’ as I would prefer. I hate leaving her, even from an online chat, so I just sat there, not saying much and the situation started deteriorating from there.

On the topic of ‘changing me’. I thought it was interesting and even enjoyed a bit of a walk down memory lane. She said she has since given up and accepted those things about me. This is good. I am trailing behind her it seems, as there are a couple of things I still am trying to change about her. Yes I WILL give up also, as I know I must because they are indeed trifles at this point and not important to care about. I am only truly proud for changing one thing about my wife: removing her status as single.

Despite all this, it is true that her feelings of even THINKING I was upset at her, has had the same effect as if I was upset at her. Appearances are – apparently – everything. I hate this. Yes a strong word. Yet so true. Look at the effort our politicians – the world over – go through to protect against even the hint that they MAY have done something wrong, guilty or not. They could make the best decision for their district and their country, but if anyone states that they may have accepted a bribe – or done something else much less obviously unethical, even with no evidence whatsoever – much damage control must immediately be instituted. What a waste of tax dollars and reputations this causes.

And what damage to personal relationships also. Nature is a delicate balance. Government is frequently in a precarious balancing act. Couples by definition need to balance, everything.

What is important is to find the cause if imbalances when they are small, and yes, correct them with caring and tenderness and communication. We have all heard this advice before, but I at least, need to be reminded and practice minor damage control before a fire breaks out.

Life is a learning experience. Never stop learning. Learn how your spouse and family react to things. Explain things before they react badly to something you need to do. Keep trying as hard as you can to stay healthy, love your family, and treat them with utmost care and diligence.

Princess: I love you more than yesterday… :-*

dewa mata

I made both of us feel bad and walked away carrying a stone in my heart. I had let myself go on a criticizing spree and spoiled the time together. It all started so innocently – I told him that I had long realized that trying to change one’s spouse was a vain idea, so I had stopped doing it to him. He asked me what things I had been trying to change about him and I told him about them (silly me!). I am not sure about how he felt while I was turning my heart inside out telling him things I should have better left unspoken (or at least, not stirred again). Anyhow, what this confession did to me though was leaving me all irritated and disappointed about myself.

After this conversation some more things happened – little as they were, they added more fuel to the fire. As I am staying with my parents and my youngest sister now, they often come into my room with questions or things to share when I am talking to my husband online. So, my sister came in and made me try on a dress interrupting us in the middle of our conversation. I did it so that my husband could not see it on the webcam. I guess I was not sure that dress was becoming to me, so I did not want to show up wearing it in front of him. At the time I told him I wanted to get rid of my sister putting it on for her to see and then to leave me alone. It was only part of the truth that I did not realize then.

But, I failed to realize a far more serious thing about that situation at the time – my husband said “Please” when he wanted to see me wearing that dress. He said “Please”, but I ignored it. I ignored his modest request denying him the right to see his wife, denying him the right to be a part of the picture. By ignoring his request I pretty much ignored him – Him, the dearest person, my one and only, my lover and my Knight!

This way, I violated two rules of a happy marriage:

First, I made myself unhappy and, as a result, made my husband unhappy too. John Gray, an American relationship counselor and author, says that the top priority of any man (i.e. male) is to make his woman happy. If she is unhappy, he feels that he has failed this task, which can totally devastate him. I know from our experience together that when I smile and laugh, my husband’s eyes shine and his face radiates a deep sense of satisfaction and ease. When I feel depressed, his first impulse is to exercise TLC on me. However, if I stubbornly insist on keeping to feel depressed (perhaps, punishing myself), it ultimately gets him and he sinks into being depressed himself…

Second, people who are in a serious relationship stick together because they care, because they want to witness each other’s lives (those of you who have watched “Shall We Dance?” know what I am referring to). So, what I did instead of showing off to my husband wearing that unfortunate dress was ignoring him. As if he had no right to witness me and share the moment with me.

So, today I have 2 tips to share with you, dear readers:

Survival Tip 1:  BE HAPPY.

Positive attitude really helps overcome difficulties. Focusing on negative things does NOT. If you want your spouse to be happy, BE HAPPY YOURSELF. Lead by example, if you will.

Survival Tip 2:  SHARE LITTLE THINGS.

Remember, that though ignorance might be bliss, ignoring is NOT. Even if you are physically away from your spouse, show him (or her) that they are still part of your life. Share not only big news, but also little everyday things. These are trifles that our life mostly consists of. Thus, depriving your partner of them is shutting off the door to your life to them. This is not be acceptable, so fight any thoughts that tell you “Oh, this is nothing important to share” or “I do not think that matters much.” Especially, when your partner ASKS you to share these little things with him/her. SHARE.

Survival Tip: Be very careful.

Yes, it is different to start with the advice that you usually have to read a bit before you see. And no, it is not like a scary movie where something bad happens right afterward… Or maybe it will?

Seriously, if there is one thing I have learned about being in a serious and permanent relationship, is that any comment or action that is a mistake or in bad taste in the view of your spouse may have long-lasting negative effects. In person, you can see and feel reactions and adjust, apologize and correct accordingly. It is amazing how much you can learn about yourself once in this kind of awesome situation. Fast, efficient and you learn and grow together.

Now, try to do that virtually. Imagine being separated by thousands of kilometers physically, but still neck and neck (ooh that is romantic) in your mind. See the trouble? Exactly.

Everything you do that has a negative effect is now amplified and much harder to fix. Instead of a quick hug and a “Sorry, I was not thinking right there,” when you start to see that subtle body-language indication that a mistake was made, you are stuck with finding about it later or at the very least, a hug is not available.

Later is bad. Really bad. I learned in Dale Carnegie that the best people always admit their mistakes and apologize right away, without hesitation. This way people respect you for being forthright and will be more willing to work with you to solve the issue at hand and moreover will most likely work with you again in the future.

So when my wife tells me today that something I said 24 hours ago (24 hours!) ‘offended’ her, I had to go back and check. Yes, I found it, but it is the time that had passed that really messed things up. All this time, she had used to roll things around in her head, trying – perhaps – to find the polite meaning of what I had said, and finally (correctly) determining that it was indeed very upsetting and I shall be (again, justifiably) admonished and reminded of my glaring error in judgement.

On top of that, there is a good chance she cried over this. This truly makes me angry at myself. The only time I expect my wife to cry – and for good reason – is at the birth of our offspring. Heck I will cry too. Probably both from the joy of the moment and her death grip on my arm/hand. At least, I hope it is that part she’s digging her nails into. But I digress…

Let me repeat today’s special, and not to be taken lightly, survival tip: Be very careful. Anything you say can, and will, be used against you. This will happen in your love’s mind, and – if you have any conscience at all – in your own as well. The options available when mending hearts whilst separated are minimal, so do your best to limit their occurrence.

People get most upset with you when they are your loved ones. This is exactly because they love you. This is also why they get more upset than a casual acquaintance or friend that will brush it off and not mind so much.

I have to take better care of my wife’s mental health – in that I must strive more so to think before I act/speak/type. For it pains me greatly each time I see that something I have done/said/typed affected her so negatively. It is so much easier to insult or hurt someone when it is online, remote, and impersonal. But it is personal. Try to remember that.

This time, I have already explained what I think happened in my mind yesterday and apologized to her. She should read it when she wakes up or sometime tomorrow. Maybe I have started the healing process. Maybe I learned something. Maybe it will stick in my mind. Maybe…

Dewa mata.

I would like to be sleeping in the same bed as my wife right now.. But alas, not tonight. Not for a while, either.

I would rather be snug with her, happy and smiling in my sleep; knowing that that is where I belong.

Instead, I sit here; writing this and working on some review for a test at work tomorrow. Yeah, at my work they send you to classes sometimes (whether you like it or need it or not – Usually this is a good thing, but I am not in favour of this one), and this one requires home work and a proctored test before they let you in the class. I am not worried. I will pass the test, and the subsequent class, even if I disagree with my management on being there.

I will do this, because I need to keep my management happy so that they remain flexible with me taking leave to visit my wife during the occasional important event – like our upcoming second anniversary this spring. I will do this because it is but another of a myriad of minor hurdles in life. It will be overcome.

It will be easy. Why? Because the hard part – finding the woman who lives up to my high standards and even exceeds them – is over.

To my wife, whom I adore and cherish every day, I do this work for you – for us. So that we may have the increasingly bright and happy future together. This is my everyday dedication to us.

Today’s TIP: Make a conscious effort every day to think wisely and act accordingly toward keeping yourself and your family’s health and prosperity first on your mind.

Keep your head high and march forward with vigor. You will succeed.

Dewa mata.